Afterwords Afterward: Sometime in November, 2013. Duluth, MN.

Afterwords Afterward

"Trips like ours are greener grass left unknown for fear of believing trite sayings; sayings that are sometimes true. But our friends back home live an existence under the weight and awareness of time, a place we are slowly escaping, a world growing fainter by the hour and the mile. Our letters will arrive like messages in bottles cast from the luminary of distant shores."


When I was in high school, my step dad and I were talking one day and I had shared that I wanted to build a house someday once I was settled and married. He asked why. I began to explain how I wanted to make a house that was really a home, something I created, something that I helped build. My step dad stopped me and said why again, but this time followed with why would you wait? Build your house. Buy the land and build the house.

At that time, as a teenager not even done with high school, I could not even fathom such a thing. I looked at him incredulously and told him that wasn't how it worked. I couldn't simply just run off by myself and build some house and expect a husband to show up on the doorstep and life to fall into place. Life didn't work that way. There was an order. I couldn't believe he was even trying to persuade me to do something so ludicrous.

I'm standing on the corner of 17th Ave E. and 6th St. right now, staring past a thick concrete retaining wall, up a crumbling staircase and on up to a large square stucco building. The house is an earthy tan color, and there's an old fashioned light post aglow in the front yard that will illuminate a concrete walkway when the sun sets. There's a wiry tree beyond that and, though barren now, come spring it will be festively adorned with pink blossoms.

The house faces the beautiful waves of Lake Superior, standing watch as they carry ships to and from their destinations. Inside there are ten rooms, five second hand dining room chairs, a half dozen framed photos, several mugs for tea, a handful of seashells, and the still-boxed belongings of a girl starting a new chapter. A fire is burning in the living room, pushing smoke up out of the chimney and swirling it through the crisp fall air. A tired motorcycle rests in the garage and awaits the beginning of the riding season in the spring.

I climb the steps to the large front door and take the keys from my right jacket pocket. I stop to take in the fall air, fresh and cool. As I approach the top of the stairway, I glance at the cold metal sentinel lion affixed to the blue door, watchful of those who enter but familiar with me by now. I turn the knob and step into the front entry way, followed by a few stray red and yellow leaves that swirl around my feet as I push the door shut. I'm home. And it feels amazing to finally truly be home.

I didn't build this house. I didn't get married. I didn't do anything in the traditional order, and lots of times I was sure I did it backwards...

But I didn't wait for life to happen to me.

We don't have time to wait for the lives we plan out in little pictures in our heads. We don't have time for the trajectory that's painted in the movies with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids--in the correct order of course. We don't have time because we never know when that time is up. Life is not going to come to us. We need to bring life to us, chase it fiercely at all costs, need to embrace it, and never stop living it for a second because right now is all we have. Keep your dreams, keep your hopes for that picture in your head. But if it ends up drawn out differently, maybe a new color here or an extra line or two there, that's ok. If you make mistakes, make like Bob Ross and turn them into birds.

This was not the way I wanted it to work out. This was not what I thought would happen. In fact, I don't even know that three months ago I even knew what I wanted or had any idea about anything for the future. I passed the reins to God and even though I was frustrated, he was like "Hey, I got this. I'm gonna show you how perfect it already is and you will not believe all of the amazing and wonderful things I have planned for you!"

If there is ever a time in your life when you think you can't just let go and let God - call me. Because I've been there. I've been in a similar spot thinking there's no way this is the place I'm supposed to be. I've struggled against everything and insisted on my own way because I was afraid to simply hold onto my faith alone. But then I did and I can't even begin to tell you how in awe I am of the entire process looking back. Truly awe inspiring things happen when you decide that it's OK for things to not be the way you think they should be, when you give up forcing your own way, when you have the courage to put it all in His hands. And when he says you are enough, and right now, how things are, is perfect---It's perfect.