It's day 66 into my journey, day 1 at home following the journey, and I'm 26 years into my journey on this earth. I want to talk to you about going stale. Getting comfortable. Drowning in apathy.
When we stay in one place, when we allow ourselves to be comfortable, we stunt our growth. I'm not talking about living in the same apartment, the same town, the same city we grew up in. I'm talking about staying where you are for fear you might have to leave the safety and the comfort of it all. When we stay, we hold ourselves back. We stop challenging ourselves, our thoughts, our abilities. I've said it before throughout my trip, but I want to drive the point home: Take the step. No matter what has happened to you in life, what traumas, what joys, what losses, or what triumphs you have experienced, you have the same opportunities available to you as anyone else. You are never broken, you are never too old, it's never too late. Get out there, be reckless, be spontaneous, take risks. Grow.
I used to think that the horrible experiences I lived through in my childhood with regard to the domestic violence in our home had ruined me. I used to apologize when I experienced symptoms of PTSD, wasn't comfortable in certain situations, or had panic attacks. I repeatedly told others I was sorry for my feelings, and made excuses for why I shouldn't be allowed to feel that way. I felt there were parts of me broken forever, parts of me that would never heal. I thought there were things I could never do or become because of what I had gone through. I felt like I was marked. It's not true. It's a lie. It's a lie we are told by an idea in society that feelings make us lesser, make us weak, and that voicing our painful experiences is shameful.
It is a lie.
It's take a lot of pain, and it takes a lot of effort, but you don't have to live in a cage, a confined space where you feel what the group says is OK and keep everything else to yourself. Everyone may not understand and in fact most people won't. Don't hold it against them. This was not their journey. You can only ask them to accept you, and if they can't they are not a long term part of your purpose. Don't be angry--sometimes it's painful for them to know about your experiences. But own your own pain, and feel it, and be vulnerable enough to share it with those that you love even if they can't deal. If they are going to be a part of your life, they have to accept all of you, even the hard parts. No matter what's happened beyond your control, it's a part of you. You get to feel those feelings. You need to allow yourself to feel those feelings. And most importantly--you don't ever need to apologize. You will spend a lifetime apologizing to the wrong people, but only a short while helping the right people understand what you need. You don't need to be fixed; you just need to be accepted. Don't be afraid to do anything, no matter how wild/scary it may seem. Be smart about it, but let yourself take some risks and see how far you can fly. We've all been through stuff. But we can't let the world hold us down because of it. Don't live safe, don't get comfortable. Getting by isn't living.
You don't have to leave; you just can't say here. Think about it.
“And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?
It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.
Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.”
― Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts: Light, God, and Beauty on the Open Road
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