Worth The Wait: On waiting for Adam, and why I said "No" for nearly three years.

Worth The Wait: On waiting for Adam, and why I said "No" for nearly three years.

Adam asked me to marry him several times. In fact, he asked me about two months after we started dating. I thought he was joking. I panicked because he talked about it and even though he might have been joking I was super nervous. Nervous like dry-heave-when-he-walked-by-me-at-the-office, hide-in-a-cubicle-to-avoid-him, get-sick-to-my-stomach-before-every-encounter nervous. It was a disaster. So when he asked I panicked and said “no” because…he might be a serial killer. I didn’t know him well yet and that seemed like a plausible reason.

I had a feeling deep down from day one that Adam was “The Guy,” but past experiences made me wary of these so-called “gut feelings,” and I was careful not to get too excited. Adam asked me to marry him a few more times after his initial request. I would thank him for running an errand or cooking a meal and he would respond, “you still sayin’ no [to my marriage proposal]?” When we discussed the future of our relationship, I told him I needed to know him a couple of years before I could be sure of myself and the relationship—and somewhat certain he wasn’t a serial killer. I continued to say I was “cautiously optimistic” about him. And on it went for nearly three years.

That timeline was difficult for a number of reasons: Society told us time was running out. We weren’t young, we weren’t going to have forever if we wanted to start a family [biologically]. I was anxious about the relationship from the beginning because I didn’t think I had the time nor the heart for another breakup. The world was telling us to hurry up, but what if this guy was an axe murderer? Or just not the right guy for me.

I never thought I’d be nearly 30 years old by the time I walked down the aisle. I never thought it would take so long to find my person. And while I was not exactly excited about missing society’s timelines, I was absolutely confident in my choices so far—but that didn’t mean it didn’t bother me. The world screamed in my ears but God whispered to me to have faith in Him and in His timing for me.

I had spent a lot of time pondering what the qualities I needed to have in a husband were, and a lot of time formulating that picture in my head. People in my life had been telling me for years that I was “too picky.” Let me tell you something – when you are choosing the human being who will be at your side come hell and high water for the rest of eternity—be picky. Be confident in what you want and wait for that. There is no reward for settling and having a mediocre life in which you are content or even unhappy just because you got there first. There is no prize for racing forward with a wedding only to realize that you should have been planning for the actual marriage.

I ticked off heartbreaks and years longer than I ever planned before Adam and I stumbled into each other. I had actually begun to write letters to my future husband—letters about how hard it was to be faithful to God’s plan, letters about my excitement to meet him and letters about my hopes and dreams and of course, my impatience in waiting to find him. I wrote about my heartbreaks, my sadness in finding out yet again I’d chosen incorrectly. I wrote that I was praying for him, praying that his day was going well, that he wasn’t facing difficulty, and that wherever he was he felt loved.

With that, I not-so-patiently waited for God’s timing. Instead of searching for someone to complete me, I worked on completing myself. I put my energy into taking care of myself, nurturing my soul, and learning how to be someone who was physically and mentally ready to add a supplement to their life, rather than someone who needed another half to be complete. I battled every day with the norms and timelines swirling and my anxiety barely at bay. Only when I visualized letting go of the steering wheel and handing it to Jesus did I feel calm. And when I started living that, a peace like none other swept over me.

Waiting for Adam wasn’t only about waiting to meet him. A friend’s parent told me while we were in high school that the best gift you could give your husband on your wedding day was yourself. I whole heartedly believed in that. I went through a period of time where I was self-conscious about my decision and even embarrassed at times when it came up in conversations with friends. I wondered what others would think of me, wondered if I was making the right choice, and felt embarrassed when I was chided for not giving in and sometimes downright mocked. I didn’t mind if others didn’t make the same choice as me, and I respected that. But I easily weeded out people who didn’t respect my choice. My conversations with God told me that my heart knew what was best. Adam never asked me to change my mind or questioned my choice, which affirmed his commitment to me. And making a commitment to yourself and staying true to that is a great testament to your integrity.

In Adam, I found what I had never found before: a person who had enough patience for both of us, enough grace for eternity. Someone who could be strong when I couldn’t, who would challenge my faith and grow it, someone who would challenge me, and someone who possessed so much joy and unconditional love that it shined out of his face and made permanent lines around his eyes where they creased whenever he smiled.

Adam and I got married a few months before we both turned 30. Before the wedding I bundled up the letters and wrote one final letter—to my present and ever-loving husband. I gave those letters to him on our wedding day as a testament to my commitment to him. As a sign that I knew God had created us for each other and that I was praying for him long before we met.

Some people are extremely lucky and they find their person in middle school, in high school, or soon after. But that is THEIR story; it’s not everyone’s story. As hard as it was at the time, it wasn’t my story. I was waiting for my person and putting in time was worth it to me. God’s timing is perfect and that means it’s perfect for me and YOU. Know your worth and go after what you deserve. Society doesn’t get a vote on your happiness.

I wanted to share this because I’m proud of our marriage. But also because I have numerous friends—friends who are single, friends who are in relationships, friends who are in marriages, and friends who are divorced—and those friends are hurting. Lots of those friends are unhappy and feel alone and feel like they believe they will never find their “person.” They continue in an unhappy relationship. They continue to be afraid that they are or will be single. And that makes my heart hurt.

Before I found Adam I was unhappy and alone and lost. I was sad most of the time, often settled for being “content” rather than “happy”. I was terrified time was slipping through the hourglass and I would never find someone. I took several months off of work to take the trip that started this blog, and take my own hands off the wheel and let God drive. And that’s where the magic happened: when I stopped planning my own timelines and stopped thinking about how it should be and what it should look like. I started letting it be how God wanted it to be and stopped fighting it. And I’ve written before about how terrifying and difficult that was. To give up my own control, to worry that I had made too many mistakes to start over, to leave a place I was comfortable and familiar and go where everything would be new.  

A woman I follow online, Holley Gerth, says: In the place between what is comfortable and what seems like it will surely kill us is often where we become all we’re created to be.

I stepped out of my comfort zone and met my fears head on. I moved to a new state, started a new job, and met Adam only weeks later. That my friends, is a God thing.

What’s the reason for [over] sharing this piece of life? I’ll tell you – it’s worth the wait. It’s all worth it. Don’t lower your standards or give in to a life of mediocrity. You’re better than that. You deserve better than that. And you have your own timeline and nobody else needs to worry about that. I want all of my friends and family to know that they deserve the best, and I want them to know it’s difficult but it’s worth it to wait for what you deserve.

I want to add in here, whether we’ve spoken last week or last decade, I’m here for you. Not to judge your story or your relationships choices, but to listen and hear how I can support you. I want to know how I can cheer you on, coax you out of your comfort zone and be there when you step outside those lines of familiarity into a life of fulfillment—the life you deserve. Starting over is hard, but a life of unhappiness is harder. You deserve it all. And I love you far too much not to share the secret about how to get it.